Edvard Munch
When I let myself really feel my jealousy
or pride or excitement or any strong emotion,
really let myself indulge it,
I find that I can't really sustain the feeling.
It's actually uncomfortable and feels forced.
I think it's because those aren't stable emotions.
For example,
if I let myself really go with a jealous “I”,
I find myself having to justify it,
back away from the negativity
and draw in associative i's.
That's because I know that I am letting myself be false,
even as I am feeling the jealousy.
I know my part in it
and where I am going "off the rails”.
It's uncomfortable, yet it's in me.
And again,
our work is to hold the i's and not be identified.
I know it’s the only place
where I can find truth and something constant.
Further clarification -
I am exhausted when I indulge in these strong emotions.
My mechanics can't hold on to them.
That’s a sign
that many of our I's
are NOT real -
illusions, delusions, shadows.
~J
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